Over the past few years I have seen friendships come and go. It is an interesting thing to watch friends you have known for years and who have pledged allegiance to you and promised you that they would be in your life forever, leave.

Perhaps it is an unreasonable thing to believe a friend will be in your life for forever, which is why the phrase “a reason, a season or a lifetime,” was penned. I have broken up with friends that I loved dearly, even bested, and those friends dropped off the face of the earth without a word, only to pop back into my life whenever they wanted something or needed information. Then, they would pop back out again until finally they were unwelcome.

Others you have seen through thick and thin and shared theirs and your most intimate of details, crying with them when they broke up with their beaux – “what would I do without you?” They asked with red eyes and tear strained faces. You were there when they found their husbands; some friends actually had you try to date their pre-husbands or go out to some “large high school senior event” with these guys before they dated and fell in love with them. You were also there to see them have their first child, only to later be excluded from participating in their lives and left out in the end. No longer a necessity.

Why is it that people lose themselves in their lives and forget how important their friends were to them? Were you, was I, were we really not that important? That may be true, but then was it all a game to just bide time until they got what they wanted elsewhere.  Are we sometimes just fillers? Priorities change, no doubt, but it is amazing to me how quickly we as a fill-in get dropped from people’s lives. With all the people who I have met, I’m sure they were all there for some purpose – some as blatant as day and some not yet revealed. Some revelations, I can do without…I really just prefer to forget…hahaha! F’ing crazies. Yes, I’m still talking about just friends.

Then you have your ones that you broke up with briefly only to return to them because even when you hated them (one or two you may have actually tried to hit or kill), you loved them and those friends became family – a sister or brother from another mother, for real. These are the ones that got married and had children and make (present tense) sure that you are included in everything. They adore you and fly halfway around the world when your heart is broken because they know, you would do the same. They are the ones who find their beaux and worry about not finding time for you, so they email you, text you, call you and invite you to their house to catch up.  They are the ones that travel with you on adventures to discover who you are and expose you to a whole other way of being.  They are the ones that you send notes to all day, even if only in your head.  They are the ones that you always got defense for because they will “bust a cap in someones a$$” should someone mess with you.  You know who you are!

Recently, I had a BBQ at my parents home and invited my friends. When you are invited to “my house” you quickly become family because my family know that I only bring people near and dear to me to that house. For example, I have only ever brought one date home to meet my family and I got engaged to that person years later. See the seriousness.

As these people were gathered together for food and libations, I was happy to have them together. It was better than the wedding reception I never had because these people loved me and were there to spend time with me. Not to see what dress I chose or theme I had or if there was a cocktail hour. They were there to have a good time with me and with each other.

I’m sure that there are “seasons” and “reasons” somewhere in this group, but my optimistic heart hopes that I will know these people for “a lifetime.”


3 thoughts on “FriENDship

  1. I know EXACTLY what you mean. When my several of my friends started having kids a few years ago, I felt the exact same way. I still love them just as much, but understand that the friendships are different now. I think it gets down to how much energy people choose to expend at different social levels–family level, acquaintence level, coworker level, good friends level, best friends level. I think when you are having a new family or even a new relationship, it is really easy to become entirely consumed at the family or relationship level, leaving the other levels out. On the other hand, I have a friend who was THRILLED to get back to work to again nurture her relationships with coworkers after being cooped up with a newborn in the house all day for 3 months in rural NM.

    LOVED your bbq, thank you soooo much for hosting, I had a super great time!!

  2. Totally super fun! I got an email from a friend today who was so worried that I was talking about her because she had a baby and felt like we hadn’t connected in a long time. Granted, I wasn’t talking about her at all but becasue we don’t talk as much and haven’t seen each other in years she was worried that I had felt this way about her. Our relationship is very unique. I forgot to mention that there are those friends that you don’t talk to all the time or for a really long time and then when you talk to them again it as if time never lapsed. She is one of those and I have those friends too. I understand that relationships change and people have to get a handle on their lives, but I always find it interesting how the ones that choose to balance you into the new versions of their lives successfully do and the ones that don’t..well don’t and don’t look for you or respond when you reach out to them. It’s all so interesting, sometimes hurtful and unforgivable, but interesting how emotions go from 10 (I love you) to 1(You are no longer needed). Sometimes there is a progression downward and sometimes is it mad abrupt. Had one of those recently. Bizarre.

  3. Now you know where I stand on this one, but I had a productive conversation on this point today with My friend Michael after not seeing him for over a year. It is interesting to have come hone and checked this blog and find this today!

    I think the challenge is to accept that relationships change. I love to cling tight to al, those close friendships and feel like I’m slacking when my schedule does not allow me to connect as much as I’d like. Many of my girlfriends with kids apologize religiously about being a poor friend. 3 days in one of their shoes and I understand how their lives have shifted.

    I Remain so proud of the friendships that have evolved. Some effortlessly and some quite ease fully . I mourn the loss of ones who cannot reciprocate and I work so hard at softening and not personalizing and and accepting it for what it is- a loss.

    You , mami, are a loyal friend. And those who offer fierce loyalty, I believe want it in equal return. I think it comes back, but not always in the form/ person we seek it from.

    But you knew all these opinions of mine, didn’t you?!!?

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